A Random Steven Wright Joke
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
I was going to add something to this note but I took it out
instead.
(contributed by jcj)
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to
reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up
with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a
submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like
to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
I lost a button hole today.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I met a beautiful woman the other day at Macy's. She was
shopping ... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually.....
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real fast...
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got
pretty good... He could go under a rug...
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store..."
Last year we drove across the country... We decided to split up
the driving ... so we switched places ... every half mile. We
had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...........
I don't remember what it was...
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in...
I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had
to buy them again...
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car
key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and
the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A
policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you
live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto
the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the
cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Steven,
why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I
want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How
long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar
has no 'seven's on it."
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back
the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place
to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... [slow glance upward]
This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along
the floor, then lifts it]...gutter... It took me 4 years to
write that joke .... I didn't know how to word it...
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only
slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in
the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got
dizzy...
I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do
anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and
off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in
Germany.......she said "Cut it out"......
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the
ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid
of widths.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where
you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few
seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we
were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know,
you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' So we got
into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the
phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the
other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The
guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your
bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
university you attended said that they recieved none of the
$17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what happened
to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you
straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Judas Casey. He
used it to build a nuclear weapon and I would really appreciate
it if you would stop calling me.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd
call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like
this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than
that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on
typing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If
you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light,
and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said
'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want to work for you then'.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you
sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new
song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so
they called the cops.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here,
you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants ... so I water them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was
supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.
I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
I had a dream the other night that all the babies prevented by
the Pill suddenly showed up....boy, were they pissed!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening
in front of it in only eight minutes...
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?'
and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I
don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll
wait...'
Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my
shadow.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks
on.' I said 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I
go by thickness.' ...
.. Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you
know when you're rocking back in a chair, and you go so far that
you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.'
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that
means it's going to be up all night.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a
row."
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I was born by Ceasarian Section ... you'd never notice notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of
the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you
were here!"
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in
time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". I thought "That's pretty big.
Some people must be really tired".
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought
anything today.
I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency
Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they
would stay up there and confuse the hunters.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that
folds.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in
one side, and then walk around like this (frantically looking
around while pretending to push stroller) Then when the kid
grows up I could say "You had a brother, but he was bad."
Why is the alphabet in that order?
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on
and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could
only studder in spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour ... the harmonica sounds
_AMAZING_.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said "the whole time".
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She
said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big
buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor
to it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said
"Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you
imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live
on the edge...
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses, so I
got contacts ... The thing is, I only need them for reading ...
so, I got "flip-ups".
I bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't
you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes,
but I wasn't going to be out that long.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's
called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street,
and......ooooooooo.., that's much better...
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea
shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across
the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house
up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.
Sometimes I ... No, I don't.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I
don't get it...
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It
told me it was none of my business.
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.